I've been processing a relationship break/breakup and one of the questions I keep coming to is: who am I when I'm by myself? When I'm not people pleasing or masking etc. I wonder if relationships and their endings could be a layer on this discussion if core identity that endures regardless of the relationship. Or does the multiplicity model mean we just are different versions of ourselves with different people; is that allowed? I thought that's the opposite of integrity. Which sounds like something desirable, surely.
Like integrating all of the fragments has seemed like a holy Grail that maybe one day I'd be able to do. So far the biggest progress I've made is to have friends from one sphere meet friends/family from another sphere and see what happens, usually a lot of feeling uncomfortable lol but also they usually all get along pretty well and then I realize the categories I had put them in actually overlap and I'm creating the barriers myself...
As someone with DID, although we don't have autism (as far as we know, anyway), a lot of what you said resonated with us. It's not the same thing, but more like a mirror of our experience. Instead of creating parts to fit in and mask, we already have multiple identities, and have to mask to pretend to be one identity. We feel like we have to smooth out our differences, and act like someone we're not, because we're afraid that the truth would freak our co-workers out too much. That's part of why we try to educate others with DID online (under pseudonyms), in the hope that we can help bring about a world in which DID systems can be our full selves without being judged and feared due to unfair stigma.
Thank you so much for this, Louise. What you shared is powerful, and I see the overlap so clearly. While our paths are different, that deep need to mask, to smooth out who we are for others’ comfort—that resonates profoundly. Your advocacy matters, and I’m grateful you took the time to connect here. Here’s to a world where both autistic and DID systems can exist in our full truth, without fear.
Yes... I will need to marinate on this one, this will be one I return to again and again. For now what I know is that it's imperative to go slow and with grace, defrosting after so, so many years is intense, worth it! But like clawing out of the dirt after being buried alive 😬 🌱
This explains what I'm feeling internally now, having healed so much trauma related dissociation.
A final thought; I was a member of a DID support group for several years before covid. Every single one of us was autistic. I was the only one surprised when I revealed I was going for assessment.
This groups facilitator spoke often of the intersection of autism and multiplicity. I'm eagerly awaiting her thesis which I hope is right along this line of thought.
I’m overwhelmed. This brings clarity to me about something that I’ve been questioning all week, exactly when I’m most ready for it. Who am I really when I’m not trying to compare myself to others? And why is it so difficult to bring that person into focus?
Another thought that occurred to me is somewhere in what you wrote is the answer to why I get so angry when I am silenced, when I feel like my voice is taken from me. I’m not hiding, I’m vanishing, and I don’t want to. I need to be heard.
Amazing new insights here. Thank you for sharing! This is so well written, it's making me embarrassed about the two pieces I wrote on here. 😅😅
I've been processing a relationship break/breakup and one of the questions I keep coming to is: who am I when I'm by myself? When I'm not people pleasing or masking etc. I wonder if relationships and their endings could be a layer on this discussion if core identity that endures regardless of the relationship. Or does the multiplicity model mean we just are different versions of ourselves with different people; is that allowed? I thought that's the opposite of integrity. Which sounds like something desirable, surely.
Like integrating all of the fragments has seemed like a holy Grail that maybe one day I'd be able to do. So far the biggest progress I've made is to have friends from one sphere meet friends/family from another sphere and see what happens, usually a lot of feeling uncomfortable lol but also they usually all get along pretty well and then I realize the categories I had put them in actually overlap and I'm creating the barriers myself...
As someone with DID, although we don't have autism (as far as we know, anyway), a lot of what you said resonated with us. It's not the same thing, but more like a mirror of our experience. Instead of creating parts to fit in and mask, we already have multiple identities, and have to mask to pretend to be one identity. We feel like we have to smooth out our differences, and act like someone we're not, because we're afraid that the truth would freak our co-workers out too much. That's part of why we try to educate others with DID online (under pseudonyms), in the hope that we can help bring about a world in which DID systems can be our full selves without being judged and feared due to unfair stigma.
Louise
Thank you so much for this, Louise. What you shared is powerful, and I see the overlap so clearly. While our paths are different, that deep need to mask, to smooth out who we are for others’ comfort—that resonates profoundly. Your advocacy matters, and I’m grateful you took the time to connect here. Here’s to a world where both autistic and DID systems can exist in our full truth, without fear.
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words, and I also appreciate your advocacy.
So much of this coming up in my life. It all resonates with me and I love that you’re posting about it.
Thank you 🙏 💕
Yes... I will need to marinate on this one, this will be one I return to again and again. For now what I know is that it's imperative to go slow and with grace, defrosting after so, so many years is intense, worth it! But like clawing out of the dirt after being buried alive 😬 🌱
I feel that! 🫶
Yes, yes, yes! To all of this, yes!
This explains what I'm feeling internally now, having healed so much trauma related dissociation.
A final thought; I was a member of a DID support group for several years before covid. Every single one of us was autistic. I was the only one surprised when I revealed I was going for assessment.
This groups facilitator spoke often of the intersection of autism and multiplicity. I'm eagerly awaiting her thesis which I hope is right along this line of thought.
I’m overwhelmed. This brings clarity to me about something that I’ve been questioning all week, exactly when I’m most ready for it. Who am I really when I’m not trying to compare myself to others? And why is it so difficult to bring that person into focus?
Another thought that occurred to me is somewhere in what you wrote is the answer to why I get so angry when I am silenced, when I feel like my voice is taken from me. I’m not hiding, I’m vanishing, and I don’t want to. I need to be heard.
This is the second time today that your work and lived experiences have left me feeling deeply 'seen'. 🥹
This blew my mind with how much I relate to this and how well you manage to articulate and integrate the subtle complexity of it all.
Your timing (for me personally) is impeccable too.
Thank you for your care and for sharing your experiences and musings. 💜