Navigating External Conflict as a System: Finding Harmony Amidst the Chaos
Finding Strength and Compassion in the Midst of Judgment
Conflict is a part of life, but when you navigate the world as a system, it’s never simple. Recently, I found myself caught in an unexpected storm after responding with a “yes, and” to another autistic person’s social media post about exclusion. I intended to show solidarity and add another layer to the conversation, but what I meant as a supportive gesture quickly spiraled into something much more intense — a relentless barrage of accusations, assumptions, and judgments.
The responses were like a series of arrows, aimed directly at me, questioning my character, my intentions, even my very identity. I was being painted in colors that weren’t mine, dragged into drama that wasn’t mine to hold. As the situation unfolded, I felt different parts of my system rising to meet the challenge, each with their own unique strengths and needs. This experience became a profound opportunity to see just how much we’ve grown and how we could stand united against such intensity.
The Initial Wave: Peyton and Maximus Step Forward
The onslaught was immediate and overwhelming. Peyton, my protector who has spent so much of her life feeling misunderstood, was the first to react. She is sensitive to the opinions of others, always seeking validation and safety. But this time, the hostility was different. It was sharp, personal, and unyielding — dozens of arrows all at once, each one more piercing than the last. The accusations and hostility felt like a punch to her gut — and in a very real, physical sense, it was. Peyton became overwhelmed by the hate coming her way, and she retreated, feeling it deeply in her body. We allowed her to pull back. She deserves that care and space.
Then, Maximus took his place at the forefront. Maximus, my guardian of strength, immediately sensed the need to stand firm. He brought a steady, unwavering energy, setting boundaries without letting anger or defensiveness take over. Maximus’s presence allowed us to hold our ground without losing our center. It wasn’t about fighting back; it was about holding steady, refusing to be knocked over by a storm of judgments and assumptions from those who did not know me or my story.
Ella’s Warm Embrace and the Power of Compassion
What struck me most about this experience was how different it felt from a year ago. Back then, without Maximus’s clear presence, Peyton might have been left alone to face the onslaught, likely responding with equal intensity, caught in a loop of hurt and reactivity. We might have escalated things, and Peyton would have struggled to protect Kaitlyn, our most tender and vulnerable part, risking a meltdown.
But this time, something new emerged. Ella, my nurturer, stepped in alongside Maximus. While Maximus maintained a protective stance, Ella offered a different kind of shield — one of warmth and compassion. She reminded us not to meet hate with hate, to stay soft even when the world felt harsh. Her gentle presence helped us hold onto our humanity, allowing Peyton and Kaitlyn to find refuge within our inner world.
Ella’s nurturing energy made it possible for us to stay connected to our deeper values. She soothed Peyton’s hurt, ensuring that Kaitlyn remained safe and playful, even in the middle of such intense emotions swirling around us. In a way, Ella created space for us to breathe, to remember who we are, and to not lose ourselves in the storm outside.
Reflections on the Roles of the Other Parts
While Maximus and Ella took the lead, other parts of my system played their roles beautifully:
Kaitlyn: My youngest part, Kaitlyn, was shielded from the turmoil. A year ago, she might have been swept up in the confusion and blame. But this time, she stayed safe and even found moments of joy, thanks to the combined efforts of Maximus and Ella. Their collaboration allowed Kaitlyn to remain in her place of innocence and wonder, undisturbed by the chaos outside.
Phoenix: Phoenix, the embodiment of hope and resilience, found strength in this conflict. She transformed the negativity into a powerful affirmation of how far we’ve come as a system. For Phoenix, this was a chance to rise again, to demonstrate that we are no longer at the mercy of external forces but can stand strong in our unity and growth.
Shamani: Our spiritual guide, Shamani, added another layer of insight. She helped us see the humanity in those who were lashing out, reminding us that they were likely speaking from their own places of pain and unhealed wounds. Through Shamani, we chose to hold compassion for them, understanding that their words were reflections of their own struggles, not truths about us.
Kai’s Creative Voice: "Hate Loops"
After the conflict was over and the storm had quieted, Kai, the creative spirit within our system, found a way to process and capture the experience in words. Here is Kai's poem, written in the aftermath of the turmoil:
Hate Loops
Yesterday, I spoke my truth,
And they swarmed like bees,
A mob buzzing with venom,
Throwing words like stones—
Accusations, names, labels
I can’t even remember,
A blur of sharp edges
Cutting me from every side.
They shouted me down
From behind their screens,
Pointed fingers at a silhouette
They created in their minds,
A caricature, a monster,
And they said, “That is you.”
They twisted my words
Into something unrecognizable,
Something dark and ugly
I never spoke, never meant.
Their hate loops ran wild,
A frenzy feeding on itself,
A machine of outrage
Gaining speed,
Churning out blame,
Churning out shame,
Trying to drown me in their noise,
To bury me under their anger.
I felt the sting of their words,
Felt the weight of their judgments,
Heavy like chains they wanted me to wear,
But I refused to bow, refused to break.
I know who I am,
Know what I said,
And I won’t be swallowed
By their loops of hate.
They can scream and shout,
They can cast their stones,
But I will not be their scapegoat,
I will not wear their anger
Like a cloak.
I will stand, I will speak,
I will not be silenced
By a storm that is not mine.
Choosing to Grow from Conflict
This experience taught me so much about how we interact with our own parts and the parts of others. I chose to see the conflict as a triggering of the wounded parts in other systems. Whether or not they recognized it, that’s how I chose to hold their humanity — knowing they were not speaking from a healed place.
It’s a delicate balance because I firmly believe that while we all carry trauma, it’s ultimately our own responsibility to manage. I’ve learned not to back down when faced with others' pain and anger, especially when it’s projected onto me. I did not cause their pain, though I may have unintentionally activated it. The accusations they threw at me were based on assumptions, calling me a “colonizer,” without knowing my Cherokee ancestry or my family's struggles with poverty and marginalization.
But I chose not to let that define my response. I chose instead to stand in my truth.
Holding Ground with Grace and Compassion
Navigating conflict as a system isn’t easy. It requires every part of me to step forward, to trust in each other, and to stay grounded in our shared values. This experience was an unexpected test, a chance to see how much we have grown together, how much more cohesive and compassionate we have become.
Moving forward, I aim to see moments like these not as setbacks but as opportunities — to deepen my understanding of myself and to hold space for the humanity in others, even when they can’t see it themselves. I will not carry the weight of their wounds, but I can still choose to respond with empathy, to honor the complexity of their pain without letting it consume me.
Living as a system is a journey that defies linearity. It’s a dance between past, present, and future, where growth is never straightforward but always meaningful. And in the face of external conflict, I am learning to find my harmony, not by matching fire with fire, but by letting each part of me contribute its unique strength to the whole.
Closing Thoughts: Embracing Every Part of the Journey
To those who walk a similar path, I see you. I encourage you to reflect on your own internal dynamics when conflict arises. Notice which parts step forward and why. Recognize the strengths they bring and the lessons they offer. Hold compassion for yourself and, when possible, extend that same compassion to others. We are all navigating our own storms, and sometimes, a little grace goes a long way.
Let’s walk this path with understanding, kindness, and a commitment to finding our inner harmony, even in the chaos.