Chapter 21: Not Ashamed of My Desire for Death

Hello, done.

Photographed in Hornafjörður, Iceland – November 19, 2017 We were staying at a fisherman’s home on the edge of the sea. Icelanders seemed to hold death differently—less hidden, less sanitized. These preserved creatures, floating quietly in a jar, felt like a symbol. Not grotesque. Just… honest. An invitation to witness what we usually turn away from.

Just a little note for anyone new here:
I wrote this book between February and June of 2023, during the thick of my autism assessment process and after.

It’s been sitting quietly ever since—until I started sharing it here.
Reading this chapter specifically, two years later, feels surreal… and honestly, a little prophetic.

To start from the beginning

I’ve never feared death. Not even as a child. While other kids were scared of monsters under the bed, I was wondering why we were all pretending we’d live forever. My earliest memories include imagining death, talking to it, even wondering if it might feel like going home. It never felt ominous—it just felt… real.