Attachment Theory: A Double-Edged Sword for Autistic People and Systems

Exploring Attachment Theory Through the Unique Lenses of Autism and Systems: An Invitation to Question, Reflect, and Connect

A Personal Journey Into Attachment and Complexity

I remember the first time I stumbled upon the concept of attachment theory. It was like someone had handed me a key, promising to unlock the mysteries of my relationships, my behaviors, and my inner world. But as I began to dig deeper, something didn't quite sit right. I was trying to understand how I fit into these neat little boxes: "secure," "anxious," "avoidant," "disorganized." Yet, none of them seemed to capture the full picture of my experiences.

What if my attachment style was different depending on the day or situation? What if I felt avoidant in some relationships but anxious in others? And what about the many different parts of myself, each with its own unique needs and responses? I began to wonder: could attachment theory actually limit my understanding of myself rather than expand it?

If you identify as autistic or part of a system, you might feel this, too. How does attachment theory, a concept designed for a singular, "unified" self, apply when you are made up of many parts? Can this theory become a double-edged sword, offering insights but also potentially creating confusion, judgment, or even harm?

Inviting You to Question: What Is Attachment Theory Missing?

Attachment theory can be an enlightening tool for understanding how we connect with others, but it often assumes that we are all navigating relationships in the same way. So, here are some questions for you to consider:

• Do you feel that your attachment style changes based on your environment, the people around you, or even your mood?

• How do you navigate attachment needs when you have multiple parts or identities within yourself?

• For those of you who identify as autistic, do you find yourself fixating on labels or diagnoses that feel limiting rather than liberating?

Let's explore these complexities together.

Attachment Theory and System Complexity: Can One Size Fit All?

Attachment theory, as traditionally presented, categorizes people into one of several styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. But for those who identify as a system, with multiple parts or "selves," this can feel oversimplified. Each part might have different experiences, desires, and ways of relating to others.

• For example, one part of me, Peyton (The Protector), often feels more avoidant because her role is to shield us from harm, to create distance when things feel unsafe. At the same time, another part of me, Ella (The Nurturer), leans toward a secure or anxious style, seeking closeness, empathy, and connection with others to soothe and support us.

• Does trying to fit all these parts into a single attachment style feel like trying to force a puzzle piece into the wrong spot?

Consider this: what if attachment theory could evolve to better understand and validate these multiple, coexisting styles? What would that look like?

Monotropism, Autism, and the Danger of Feedback Loops

Monotropism is a theory about autistic cognition, suggesting that autistic people often have a focused attention style, deeply concentrating on a limited range of interests or experiences. This can be both a strength and a challenge. What happens when this focused attention gets caught in a loop with attachment styles?

• Have you ever found yourself fixating on a label—like “anxious” or “avoidant”—to the point where it feels like that label defines you?

• Does the world sometimes feel overwhelming, making it difficult to shift your focus away from a particular experience or emotion?

If you’re autistic, the intense focus that comes with monotropism might cause you to internalize these labels, creating a self-referential feedback loop. You may feel stuck, believing, "This is who I am," even when that label may only represent a piece of your much larger, complex self. Could this contribute to feelings of inadequacy, frustration, or misunderstanding?

Inviting Complexity: What Would a More Inclusive Attachment Theory Look Like?

• What if we reframed attachment theory to recognize the diverse needs within a system or the unique ways autistic people process relationships?

• What if instead of fixed "styles," we saw attachment patterns as fluid, adaptive responses to changing circumstances, environments, and inner experiences?

By shifting our perspective, we can begin to see attachment not as a static trait but as a dynamic process—one that adapts, transforms, and responds to different contexts.

Aligning with Liberation Psychology: Embracing Collective Healing

Traditional attachment theory tends to focus on individual behavior. However, liberation psychology emphasizes collective healing and social justice. It encourages us to ask:

• How do broader social structures—like cultural norms, power dynamics, and historical contexts—shape our attachment patterns?

• How might these external forces impact those who are autistic or identify as part of a system?

What if we began to understand attachment styles not as personal flaws or fixed traits but as survival strategies that have helped us navigate a world that often misunderstands or marginalizes us?

Avoiding Spiritual Bypassing: Honoring the Need for Connection

Spiritual bypassing can occur when people use spiritual concepts, like non-attachment, to avoid addressing real human needs for connection and belonging. For autistic people or systems, this can be particularly harmful. Ask yourself:

• Have you ever been told to "just let go" or "detach" when what you really needed was validation, understanding, or empathy?

• How can we balance spiritual growth with the essential human need for connection and support?

A Call to Compassionate Self-Inquiry: What Does Compassion Look Like for You?

Instead of seeing attachment styles as fixed labels, what if we viewed them as adaptive responses to our experiences? Could this shift promote greater understanding and integration within ourselves?

• How can we meet each part of ourselves—each need, each experience—with empathy and without judgment?

• What would it feel like to approach your own attachment needs with curiosity rather than criticism?

Join the Conversation: Become a Part of the OmniSyntra Journal Community

If these questions and reflections have sparked something in you, I’d love for you to join us in the OmniSyntra Journal! For just $8 a month, you’ll become part of a welcoming community where we can explore these ideas together, share our stories, and support each other in navigating the beautiful complexities of autism, systems, and so much more.

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